Anger Management Roadmap

“Anger, and the sorrow it produces, are far more harmful than the things which make us angry.”

– Marcus Aurelius.

Anger, like any other human emotion, is a perfectly natural psychological response to both external and internal stimuli. Though it may be unpleasant to feel angry, it’s important to recognize and analyze the cause of this emotion and work towards solving the problem at its core, rather than allowing the emotion to overtake us and cause us to act irrationally.

Negative emotions, in general, have a very useful and important purpose – they signal to us that there’s some aspect of our lives, either short or long-term, that we aren’t satisfied with and that needs addressing. They urge us to take action and fix the problem that’s been bothering us. However, negative emotions also have their dark side, which manifests when we allow ourselves to be controlled by them.

In the case of anger, allowing it to control you, rather than you controlling it, can lead to all sorts of problems with your relationships, work life, mental state, and even with your physical health and overall well-being. That is why it is crucial to learn how to control your anger and use it as a self-improvement tool, instead of letting it overtake you and negatively affect your quality of life.

Recognize that you are angry

The first step towards managing your anger is acknowledging that it’s there, to begin with. We live in a society and this demands of us to adhere to certain unwritten rules, or else we risk being ostracized and becoming pariahs. One such rule is to keep one’s negative emotions, especially intense and explosive ones like anger, at bay. This, in turn, has conditioned us to dismiss or wholly deny that we may be angry in a certain situation. However, doing so won’t make our anger go away – it will simply cause it to build up over time and cause issues down the way. Furthermore, denying our anger prevents us from exploring its cause and addressing it in order to find an effective way to overcome it.

Explore the source and cause of your anger

Once we’ve admitted to ourselves that we are angry, it is time to take a deep dive into the cause of our anger. This step is very important, but also quite tricky for a lot of people, as it requires a lot of introspection and honesty with oneself. Oftentimes, the root of the problem will be counterintuitive, and only a very honest look at the person in the mirror could reveal the truth.

For example, it may seem that you are angry at your wife because she’s always nagging you for being absent-minded, but are you truly angry at her, or at yourself, because, deep down, you too would want to be more focused and less forgetful? However, instead of directing your anger at its source – your personal flaws and shortcomings – you are directing it at the person (or persons) who remind you of said shortcomings.

Of course, oftentimes, our anger is indeed caused by another person’s failure or flaw, in which case you must make it known to them. But to be certain that this is indeed the case, you need to be able to introspect with honesty.

Express your anger

If it turns out that what’s causing your anger is indeed another person and not an internal flaw you are projecting onto them, then you must make sure to let that person know about your anger with them. Note that the word here is “express” and not “lash out” or something similar. You must never ever lose your temper, as this is always a counterproductive result of anger, and it won’t get you closer to finding an effective solution.

At the same time, the other person must know that they’ve done something wrong which they shouldn’t do again. Here, you need to be assertive and show firmness, but without being aggressive. You aren’t trying to hurt the other person or take revenge on them – you are trying to resolve the problem in a civilized way, as this will give you the highest chance of reaching an outcome that will be beneficial to you.

Focus on what’s in your control, and let go of the rest

Marcus Aurelius, a Stoic philosopher and the last of the great Roman emperors, has famously said “You have power over your mind – not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength.”, though those words are over 1800 years old, they apply to today’s reality in full force. Indeed, we cannot control the weather, the traffic, or even other people’s thoughts, words, and actions. Sometimes, we may get to have some control over outside events, but more often than not, that control is fickle, fleeting, and inconsequential.

What we can control, however, is our thoughts, actions, emotions, and opinions of the world. Therefore, the next time you feel angry, remember that you have little to no power to alter the event that made you angry, but you have all the power over how that event is going to affect your internal peace.

Put in the work

Everything said thus far is obviously just a blueprint, a roadmap towards managing your anger. However, to truly be able to achieve inner peace and overcome your anger issues, you need to put in the time and effort with utter consistency. Doing so on your own can be difficult and frustrating, but with proper guidance, you’ll find that becoming a master of your anger is far from an insurmountable task.

A good place to find such guidance is an anger management class that will teach you how to recognize what triggers you and find the best approaches and techniques to let you put a leash on your anger and tame it. That way, with proper help, you will soon find that anger is not an enemy or a liability, but just another tool that guides you on your path towards self-improvement and self-mastery.